Well, it won’t be long. In a few days I will turn 44. That is double death in Chinese. The Chinese believe the number 4 is bad luck, because it sounds the same as the word for death. So.. double death. I don’t quite know how I feel about this.
On the one hand, I’m looking forward to the new chapter in my life; and on the other I mourn the past. Just a little. I will quit smoking the day of my birth. A re-birth of sorts. I don’t quite know how I feel about this either.
On the one hand, I’ve been smoking a long time, most of my adult life. I’m a little nervous giving up something that has been a part of me for so long. On the other hand, I’m looking forward to freedom from addiction. I feel the weight of the past, and I think quitting is what I need to lighten up. I’ve been doing a lot of research about quitting, mostly online, and I think I have a good plan.
44 is a weird year for transitions, but then I’m a weird kind of woman. I feel the need to change some things in my life. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about what I have, what I want, where I am, and where I want to be. Professionally, I’m very happy. Teaching is exactly what I want to do with myself right now. I’m also in a pretty good place geographically. Korea suits me well. Personally there is a lot I want to change. I want to get rid of some very bad habits, and some of the thought patterns and some of things that no longer give me the pleasure they used to. I want to get rid of the things that no longer make me happy and no longer keep me healthy.
After a lot of thought, I know what I don’t want in my life. I need to clean out a lot of clutter in my house, my mind, and my soul. I’m just not sure what I want to replace the clutter with. I’m not even sure I need to replace everything I’m trying to get rid of.
I know I’m growing older, and most of the time I’m happy about it. I’m glad of the experiences I’ve had, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything. I don’t know if I’m ready to wear my trousers rolled. I will dare to eat the peach, and walk along the beach. Even if the mermaids don’t sing to me.