44- double death and rolling trousers

I grow old … I grow old …
I shall wear the bottoms of my trousers rolled.
Shall I part my hair behind? Do I dare to eat a peach?
I shall wear white flannel trousers, and walk upon the beach.
I have heard the mermaids singing, each to each.
I do not think that they will sing to me.

T.S. Eliot

Well,  it won’t be long.  In a few days I will turn 44.  That is double death in Chinese.  The Chinese believe the number 4 is bad luck, because it sounds the same as the word for death.  So.. double death. I don’t quite know how I feel about this.

On the one hand, I’m looking forward to the new chapter in my life; and on the other I mourn the past. Just a little.  I will quit smoking the day of my birth. A re-birth of sorts. I don’t quite know how I feel about this either.

On the one hand, I’ve been smoking a long time, most of my adult life. I’m a little nervous giving up something that has been a part of me for so long.  On the other hand, I’m looking forward to freedom from addiction.  I feel the weight of the past, and I think quitting is what I need to lighten up.  I’ve been doing a lot of research about quitting, mostly online, and I think I have a good plan.

44 is a weird year for transitions, but then I’m a weird kind of woman.  I feel the need to change some things in my life.  I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about what I have, what I want, where I am, and where I want to be.  Professionally, I’m very happy.  Teaching is exactly what I want to do with myself right now.  I’m also in a pretty good place geographically.  Korea suits me well.   Personally there is a lot I want to change.  I want to get rid of some very bad habits, and some of the thought patterns and some of  things that no longer give me the pleasure they used to. I want to get rid of the things that no longer make me happy and no longer keep me healthy.

After a lot of thought, I know what I don’t want in my life.  I need to clean out a lot of clutter in my house, my mind, and my soul.  I’m just not sure what I want to replace the clutter with.  I’m not even sure I need to replace everything I’m trying to get rid of.

I know I’m growing older, and most of the time I’m happy about it.   I’m glad of the experiences I’ve had, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything.  I don’t know if I’m ready to wear my trousers rolled.  I will dare to eat the peach, and walk along the beach. Even if the mermaids don’t sing to me.


2 Responses to 44- double death and rolling trousers

  1. Breda says:

    I feel inspired–I’m trying to kick bad habits too. Good luck! 🙂

  2. Soon-ock, Woo says:

    Aging is a blessing, I agree with you. We haven’t got older without earning something. That is the wisdom about the world we live in. We can see and feel better what is life and truth, etc. Still, life is a mystery, I have to admit…

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